Sober Day 120: The Good, the Bad and the Amazement
After mistakenly taking a nap at around 5:30 yesterday evening, I knew I was going to be up most of the night. Somewhere around 10pm I awoke and was up until 1am, eventually falling back asleep only for my body to then fully awake at some silly hour of the morning. As I write this, it’s 05:04 in the morning and here I am with a cup of tea beside me beginning my day.
Like most things, I get my head around wanting to do something new, the fun lasts for a short while, before I shelve the idea for a while, if not indefinitely. It’s been nearly 100 days since my last blog post, however it wasn’t out of boredom that I stopped writing (I love writing, it’s the core element of my job), I just needed some time to settle into my sobriety. Self-care is so important, especially in the early days.
As humans, we are vulnerable. As alcoholics, we are fragile beyond a realm of basic understanding.
So a lot has happened over the last 90+ days. Three days from now, I turn four months sober. It’s been bloody hard work, but I am so grateful every day for it. I’ve found an incredible sponsor, someone who I never would have imagined as being the perfect fit for me. Why you ask? Well, he’s straight, works as a trader on a building site and to be perfectly honest, I stereotyped him, convincing myself that he wouldn’t understand my story. Oh, how wrong I was! As humans, we can also be judgemental idiots, or what’s known in the rooms as one of my ‘defects of character’. I have so much love, trust and time for my sponsor.
On Wednesday 3rd November, my sobriety had its toughest test to date. A relative who raised me as one of her own throughout my childhood had died suddenly. She was the only mum I physically got to know and love…the pain and grief hit me like a massive truck doing 90 on the motorway.
This was the first big test in my sobriety. As the world I knew changed in an instant, the first thing I wanted to do was have a drink. When something is out of my control, I really struggle to cope with that. I’m not a total control freak, but I am definitely most at ease when I have some control over any given situation. The day I found out, it was shortly before 9am and I just wanted to numb the pain and the alcoholic in me knew of one sure way to achieve this.
Thankfully, I wasn’t alone and had the love and support of those around me who pretty much told me this wasn’t an option (I knew it wasn’t but remember us alcoholics are fragile…). It terrifies me what I would have done if I were alone that day.
“Humans are not weak when alone, they are just more strong when they have support of other people. We work same as wolves do. Wolves too need others to form a pack.” — Writing Manic
A combination of leaning on my programme, my fellows and loved ones is what got me through that pain. I’m still grieving, and I don’t think the pain will completely disappear, however the urge to want to drink isn’t there anymore. It wasn’t there at the funeral and if that’s not a testament of the strength I have been given, then I don’t know what is.
It honestly amazes me that I’ve managed to stay away from picking up a glass of wine or an actual beer (shout out to all the non-alcoholic options available) and just kicking the ‘fuck-it bucket’ and giving in. I now have more of a reason to keep this going beyond doing to for myself and those around me. I’m pretty sure that a certain someone is watching me from afar and wanting me to be happy, and it’s safe to say I am my happiest in my sobriety.
Keeping it in the day, taking it a day at a time…
Originally published at https://www.thesobrietysquad.com on November 29, 2020.